Things That Make You Go “hmmmmm”?!

I was talking to a girl yesterday who is going to school to become a pharmacist. At some point in the evening she and my friend, C. (who is a nurse) began entertaining me with stories of basic human stupidity in the med field. For example, the pharmacy-girl (we'll call her… J.) told us that whenever a patient is prescribed a suppository, they have to explicitly explain to the patient that the suppository is supposed to be unwrapped from its foil/plastic covering before ramming it up their ass. Because people were putting completely wrapped suppositories in their butt, which caused problems (duh) and landed them back at the doctor's office for a mysterious new ailment. I thought maybe this was some kind of pharmaceutical urban legend, but J. swears it's true. This is my favorite- patients being treated with anti-biotics for an ear infection have been known to put the anti-biotic in their ear, rather than swallowing it- the way you're supposed to. This, she assures me, is actually quite common.

WTF?!!!!!

In the Air Force, there is a saying- "if it's being briefed, it's been done". Meaning that if the powers that be mention that you shouldn't stick your tongue in a light socked during a pre-holiday safety brief (meeting), than it's because some idiot airman ended up severely hurt (or dead) because they put their tongue in a light socket. My favorite is, "don't lick your computer screen". I'm almost positive that this particular statement was someone's wise ass way of spicing up a safety briefing. But I love the image of uniform clad soldiers running their tongue across their monitors! It makes me smile.

Looks like the Air Force might have hit on something, except in these cases it's more like- if you're pharmacist has to tell you that you should not ingest the ky jelly you're about to purchase, then it's because some moron (possibly even several) actually ate some ky jelly.

So, in the spirit of celebrating basic human stupidity, I have found and compiled a short list of product instructions and warnings that will make you go, "hmmmm"?!

• Liquid Plummer: do not reuse bottle to store beverages
  Well, shit. Where am I going to put the beer I've been home brewing?

• Hair color: do not use as an ice cream topping
  This one was so outrageous to me that I went to look at some hair color names on the Garnier website- every single one of them is named for a food/drink! Maybe not such an unreasonable warning, after all? Because chocolate almond does sound as if it would be delicious on my vanilla ice cream.

• Sleeping pills: may cause drowsiness
  I'm speechless
  

• Mattress: warning- do not attempt to swallow
  How would you get even close to doing this?!
  

• RCA tv remote control: not dishwasher safe
  Is there a better way to get the peanut butter and honey off of it, then?
  

• Rowenta iron: do not iron clothes while on body
  But my blouse will look so much nicer seared onto my skin!
  

• 500-piece puzzle: some assembly required
  Well, fuck. Guess this is one gift I'm taking back to the store. Who wants to put 500 pieces of anything together?
  

• String of Chinese made Christmas lights: for indoor or outdoor use only
  Whew, I 'm so glad to hear that! I was wondering if it would be safe to put these outdoor lights on my garage door.
  

• Blanket from Taiwan: not to be used as protection during tornadoes
  Might this warning have come from the "hide under your desk in the event of a nuclear attack" era?
  

• 13-inch wheel on wheelbarrow: not intended for highway use
  Guess I'll have to get a new spare, then.
  

• Toilet bowl cleaning brush: do not use orally
  I don't even know what to say about this one.
  

• Portable stroller: caution- remove infant before folding for storage
  How far do you think this moron got before they realized the baby that should have been strapped into a car seat, has actually been folded up and tossed into the trunk with the stroller?
  

• Tv manual: do not pour liquids into television set
  Again, I've got nothing, folks.

• 6x10" inflatable picture frame: not intended for use as a flotation device
  Damn. I suppose I'll have to get a real life jacket for my kids to use at the pool!

Isn't this all just truly astounding?