The Rodent Magician

This is going to sound terribly disgusting. And if you happen to be someone whose vehicle is manned by children (in any number) 95% of the time yet have managed to not have stray French fries on the floor boards or sticky car seats will probably definitely find this terribly disgusting.

I do have to say though, that I am disgusted myself so- I won't be hating on the haters this time, yo.

There are vermin living in my car. Or maybe just one mouse. I'm not sure yet.

See, I started noticing these odd black rice sized thingies scattered in the cup holder and on the floor boards of our suv. I immediately figured out that we had a boarder of the disease-carrying kind. I did what any normal person does when faced with an unknown situation. I googled, "there is a mouse living in my car". Lo and behold, I found page after page of people plagued with the same problem.

*whew* I'm not alone in my disgustingness, then. That makes me feel just a teensy bit better. But just a teence.

So anyways, the vermin must go.

First I deep cleaned the interior of my car. I vacuumed in spaces I had no idea even existed, pulling chairs up and even getting into the compartment in the back where the jack is (who knew it was even there??? Not me!). I was sure I'd find that fucking mouse just a nibbling away at some wire or piece of plastic. But no such luck.

After I vacuumed, I wiped the consoles down with Lysol wipes, and then I shampooed everything- the floor boards, the seats…

Satisfied with my wonderfully clean and mouse-shit free vehicle, I went to Target to get moth balls, which I read mice did not like. I bought a box and just dropped like, 5-6 in one of the cup olders. And yet, the droppings showed up again the next day.

Son of a bitch!

Now I had to get all hard core and actually buy mouse traps!

On the way to Wal-Mart, I pondered the techniques used to dispose of a live mouse stuck on a glue pad (I'm not fond of having to clean up mouse guts). Do I just throw it right into the trash like that (ewwwww)? Do I smash it's head with a hammer and put it out of it's misery (double ewwwwww. And kinda psycho, don't you think?). Luckily, once I found the traps at Wal-Mart I realized that I would have to do neither. Because there were these "humane" (funny, how I'm all concerned about being humane to disease carrying vermin which are not, um, human) traps called Mouse Cubes or something like that. It's a rectangular plastic box with a few holes in the door, which only goes one way. So the mouse can get in, but can't get out.

Disposal then became less of a concern for me. I figured when I trapped the mouse I could take it into the desert (away from my house) and let it free to be eaten by snakes (which is another reason these mice must go. Snakes eat mice. And remember what happened a few months ago? I don't know that I could sufficiently bash a rattler to death with A.'s walking stick all by my lonesome. I prefer dh to do the dirty work.)

The directions on the trap suggested that I smear peanut butter on a cracker and slide it into the trap (not cheese. Huh.). And so we got home and I got to work putting crackers slathered with peanut butter into the traps. The directions also suggested that I put a little bit of pb on the door of the trap, to attract the mice. So I did that, too.

Two traps went into the garage, because I remembered dh telling me, not too long before I realized that mice were living in my car, that he saw one in the garage.

And two went into the SUV.

I've been driving dh's car while I make my suv rodent-free, because this mouse (these mice?) are fucking smart. I've never seen or heard one in my car. Just seen the droppings. And you know what else? The day after I cleaned my car, I took the girls to story time. I went into B&N with a shit-free car and came out two hours later to see droppings on the back passenger floor!

That fucking mouse waited until we were no longer in the vehicle and then took a dump all over the fucking place! So, I figured I had to stay out of the car, to increase the chances of catching that little fucker.

The next day I found mice in the garage.

Take that, you car-shitting fucker!

Then I checked the traps in the car.

The one in the left rear passenger side was missing.

MISSING!

But when I looked under the seat, there it was. With the peanut butter cracker sitting RIGHT IN FRONT OF IT!

I have no idea how that is even possible, but the fucking mouse moved the trap and got the cracker out of the trap with the one-way door! Oh, and he pooped in the pb. Ewwww.

I shut the door and checked the front passenger side trap.

The trap was still in place, and the cracker was still there, but the pb I smeared onto the door to attract it/them to it was all licked up! There was a clean trap door!

Mother fucker!

I went back inside, furious that I was being bested by mice. Mice! I glanced at the mouse traps in the garage, each being occupied by an unsuspecting mouse. "You'll pay," I told them on the way into the house, "you're little buddy wants to be a smart-ass, so you will pay. Let your demise be an example to him/them!"

Right then I decided that I was just going to toss their traps into freezer bags and then into a plastic target bag and then finally into our trash can (thank God trash day was the next day).

Life is cruel like that.

It took an extra day for me to catch the mouse in the car. In the front passenger trap cowered a little gray peanut-butter-car-shitting nuisance and I laughed when I saw it there.

Triumph!

I got you my pretty.

I had hoped he was the only one, but I can't be sure. Because when I checked the back trap again yesterday, it was gone. Not moved this time, but disappeared! I checked the very back, where the 3^rd row seating is- the trap is fucking gone. Like some kind of rodent David Copperfield putting on a show, the fucking trap had VANISHED. I don't know if it vanished before or after I found the one mouse because I didn't check that one again until later. But it's not there anymore. Or anywhere from what I could see.

Son of a bitch! Bested again!

We'll see about this.

Yesterday I went back to Wal-Mart, purchased four more traps. This morning they were placed, as before, two in the garage and two in my car.

As of this afternoon- no mice.

This could be a good thing meaning I caught them all. Or this could mean that Vermin Copperfield and his remaining buddies are incredibly smart and sly.

I'm hoping for the former.

Because really, my ego can't handle being out-smarted by a fucking rodent again.