Potty Trainers Anonymous

*Note: This will be the LAST post about potty training EVER. I'm sick of thinking about it, so I'm sure you're sick of reading about it. Thanks for sticking around!*

Hi. My name is Lynn, and my 3 year old doesn't use the potty.

That's right, folks. Potty training boot camp is officially a bust.

This past week I finally got a hold of more plastic panty covers and began using them over real panties, instead of the plastic panties with the liner. And you know what?

Not only was I still shampooing wet spots off of the upholstery and carpeting, I began cleaning trails of pissy foot prints off the floor with Lysol wipes and Pinesol.

We did give it a break for a few days, because not only was S. not using the potty- even after replacing the plastic panties with plastic panty covers- but she began crying every time she peed her panties and we had to clean her up and change her! I didn't think that was such a good development. So we put her back in pull-ups and went about our business.

S. quite obviously isn't ready to use the potty at home, yet. Just in libraries and malls, apparently. But then today she said she wanted panties on so I put them on her, thinking maybe we've made progress since she requested.

Ha ha! The jokes on me, man!

Cuz she still peed (and pooped, lucky me) in her panties, left behind pissy foot prints traveling from her bedroom to the living room and back to the bathroom, and I still had to shampoo the carpet and clean those prints off of the floor. Oh, and also the bathroom floor, because her panties were dripping urine from beneath the panty covers. Into the laundry they go.

I have made peace with the fact that S. may well be in diapers when she finally leaves for college. And when she gets married, we'll have to find or special order really pretty plastic panty covers (perhaps with frilly ruffles and sequins) for her to wear under her wedding dress. Her groom probably won't want to be rooting around under the dress for the garter at the reception, but who cares? At that point, her potty habits will officially be his problem and not ours. Maybe we can marry her off early? Let's say, when she turns 4? Then someone else can take over this wonderful task of civilizing this stubborn kid, and I won't be buying pull-ups for the next 15 years?

I know for a fact that some of you have sons. Anyone want to betroth their son to S.? I'll throw in a year's supply of pretty-as-a- princess-pull-ups as part of the dowry…

Why don't you take the weekend to think about it.

You know where to find me once you've made your decision.