The Preschool Ninja and Porn Stars

Disclaimer: This is NOT an XXX rated entry!

Sorry to disappoint those of you who hoped that it might be.

I'm reading this book called "Mommies Who Drink". It's a memoir by some actress/comedienne that I've never even heard of before, but it's pretty funny. In it is a chapter where Brett, the MC, agrees to be in a live show that combines comedians and porn stars (the creators hoped to sell it to Bravo or HBO. The fact that this hasn't happened yet tells me how well this idea went over). They just all gather around some raunchy shag carpet and make jokes, and eventually one of the porn stars begins passing a steel dildo around. At some point, the show ends and the porn stars are allowed to turn back into real people. If they were ever, in fact, real people. After reading that chapter I turned off the light and asked DH jokingly if he would like to see my inner porn star. So we're joking around, I'm thinking of porn star names and then I think, "Shit. A. is sleeping in the living room again." The living room that is right in front of our bedroom. And the door was open. And who knew if she was really sleeping. So I call her name, waiting for a response to pierce the darkness and seconds later I hear, "I'm right here"- from the foot of my bed!

The light has only been off for 10's of seconds. Barely half a minute. We neither saw nor heard her sneak in during those mere seconds of darkness and conversation!

I ask her what she's doing there. "I have to talk to daddy about 2 things", she says. So we spend about 20 seconds trying to get her to go back to the living room and go to sleep. All the while I'm trying to suppress the nervous laughter that's clawing at my throat.

Me to DH: How long do you think she's been there?

DH: I don't know, but she came in like a ninja.

Just like a ninja. Probably close to the same height, too. Just without all the black and the ninja stars. We like to regulate the kinds of deadly weaponry available to her and her sister. Ha!

I am soooo grateful that that conversation was the worst she saw or heard at that moment. God, it could have been sooo much worse! I could have been acting out my inner porn star. She'd be in therapy for life, and I would never have sex again without a deadbolt on my bedroom door!

I would also like to take this moment to apologize to anyone who has children that might come in contact with my children for longer than 2 seconds (that would be you, K.). I'm sorry in advance that you will have to either find a super G-rated way to explain to your boys what a porn star is or find a way to divert their attention in hopes that they will forget all about it. For the rest of their lives. A. just blurts things out sometimes, even when she doesn't fully understand. So, again, my apologies if you or they ever hear about how she heard her mommy tell daddy that she wants to be a porn star.

BTW- Much to my husband's disappointment, I have no desire to either lovingly and temporarily sport a porn star name and/or release what might be considered "my inner porn star". I'm not even entirely sure what that would even entail. But I have an imagination, and what's in my head is still pretty funny.