When good parenting intentions go bad

I am so in the mood for something warm and gooey and chocolatey. Brownies, cookies, cake, fudge- anything will do really. Bonus if it has caramel or maybe even peanut butter in it today. But because I have been trying to keep so much junk food out of our house, I have nothing ready made, except for ice cream. But it's not warm and gooey. There is a box of brownie mix in the pantry. I actually took it out of the pantry and placed it onto the counter for a second, deciding on whether or not I had the energy and patience to make up a batch of brownies in order to quelch this sudden craving. I ended up putting it back because I decided that I didn't feel like making them right now. Guess I didn't want them that bad.

This is the problem with trying to make sure that your pantry is not a ready-access bakery and candy store so that you're kids can't sneak into the pantry. Of course, you don't want them eating (too much) of it, because it's just not healthy. But also it's because, no matter how far back on the very very top pantry shelf you put these goods, they will find them. And they will take them. My two year old is very resourceful. DH bought butter cookies on Sunday. We let her have one- just one and then I put them away, in a place I thought would be out of reach. I was wrong. A few minutes later I notice she's eating another whole new cookie. I can't exactly tell if that was her second or fifth. Toddlers move so quickly when sugar is involved! But it's reasons like this that I minimize those kinds of treats in the house- because one day I'll come out of the bathroom and find an empty carton of oreo cookies, a bag half filled with empty reese's cups wrappers and some m&m's trailing through the house, and it will lead me right into their bedroom. Where more wrappers and candies will be strewn about. And I'll ask them what they hell did they think they were doing and my 4 year old will just say that her sister did it.

And then there's the issue of my midnight snacking. I've done it all my life. I remember being about 10 years old. I was sleeping over at a friends house and it was late. But just then I REALLY wanted a toasted pb&j sandwich. An internal battle ensued- do I dare go downstairs and help myself to my friends pantry while everyone slept, unaware? Or do I suffer silently until the morning, when I can eat without feeling like a freak. I suffered. It was a very long night for me. At one point my Dr. thought that if I could sleep through the night, I would stop the snacking (I've never really been able to sleep through the night). Which totally makes sense. Who gets up to snack if they don't ever wake up even once? So I got ambien. And it was wonderful! I don't take it anymore. I think it's because my rx ran out and we moved and my new dr. didn't think a sleep aid was necessary for me. I don't snack as often- the 20 lbs I had to lose last year really motivated me to stay in bed when I wanted to get up and gorge. But lately, gaining weight has not been on my mind. Getting to the rest of those cookies before everyone else ate them all was. I have finished off entire batches of cookies this way- get up, head to the kitchen, grab a few and try not to make too much noise in the kitchen. Not because I don't want my husband to wake up and get grumpy cuz he has to work, but because I don't want my girls to wake up and see that I've got cookies in my hand at 11:30 at night. Then they'll want some, and I'll either have to come up with a story (which I have done) or share (which I have not done). It's terrible, I know. Sometimes I get so tired up going into the kitchen when I get up in the wee hours that I just stuff some snacks into a sandwich bag and hide it in the bedside table drawer.

And this happens almost every time we have some really delectable goodie in the house, like fresh baked brownies, or, like the other week- French silk pie…

So this is why I try not to keep very many really fantastic and satisfying sweets in my house. And now I hate myself for it. Because all I want is a brownie or a cookie or a fantastically rich chocolate cake, and all I've got are stale butter cookies and potato chips.

That is so unacceptable to me right now- I'm just going to have to bake those brownies after all. Here's hoping we've got eggs!