I just don’t wanna!

I need to get groceries. We need drinks and… well, ok. We need drinks. And maybe a few things for meals later on this week. But- I. just. Don't. want. To.

Anyone else feel like grocery shopping is a chore? I remember a time when I liked going to the grocery store. Especially by myself. But something has happened over the last several months- some radical shift in perspective that leaves me near tears just thinking about going anywhere near anything resembling a grocery store. Especially the commissary. I hate the commissary. But I go, because several things that I buy on a regular basis are cheaper than Safeway and Fry's by dollars! Not cents. Like, Capri Sun- $3 dollars cheaper at the food-selling-place-from-hell. And Nathan's hot dogs- $2 cheaper. Sometimes ground beef is cheaper but that's not a noticeable difference. Occasionally, Safeway has even better deals on ground beef. Like, $1.97 for 93% lean! I live for those days.

Also, I don't want to leave the house because I haven't written
anything this morning, and I've been staring at the computer for at least 2 hours now. I got caught up in some project on photoshop, catching up on blogs, feeding preschoolers, and putting movies in. Now I'm thinking, I just have to go. Ugh! Because I'm obviously not increasing my nano word count sitting on my ass, agonizing about whether or not it's really necessary to go to the commissary today. Or tomorrow. Or maybe ever again?

People are blazing by me this year. Or maybe it just feels that way because last year, I was keeping a great pace. Last year I was one of those freaks who had thousands of words written seven days in. I hit approximately 55k with days to spare at the end of the month. A 200 word day was a bad day. And now I'm lucky if I manage to have a 200 word day at all!

**must.not.bang.head.through.monitor**

I should at least get the girls out of the house for something today. And maybe a rendezvous into hell is just what I need to jump start my writerly brain. Just maybe.

Bloody Sunday

I can't really pinpoint exactly what it was that led me to this thought but basically I feel like today was the suck! I got things done. Things that needed to be done and things I wanted to be done. Most of the day I was pretty okay. Well, there was the whole grocery shopping expedition at the commissary with two tired children this afternoon.

I've gotten to the point that, when I'm in public with my kids and I find that they're frustrating me to death, I don't even care what other people might think if I reacted in a way that most people would not find pleasant. I'm not talking about beating them or locking them in the bathroom. I'm not calling them names. It's other things. Let me give you an example:

S. was riding with her legs on the bottom part of the shopping cart and holding onto the handle. I told her to get off. She did, and then got back on. Well, eventually she just fell off. And in a store full of people my first reaction and response was not to pick her up and say, "oh dear. Did you get a boo-boo? Come here and let me make it better". Instead it was, "Didn't I tell you to get off? Get up. Now you know." as I took her by the hand, pulled her off the ground and put her back into the little car part of the cart. She howled for the rest of our time there- at least another 10-15 minutes. At least. And I didn't care what people thought. I didn't even care if other people thought I was being mean. "That woman is on the verge of losing" they were probably thinking. And you know what? They might just be right.

I remember those days when I didn't even want to raise my voice even a little at my kids around other people because "what would other people think of me?" I didn't want to be that bitch mom that was hollering at her kid all the time, "stay off this, don't do that, stop screaming, quite hitting your sister." Well, now I just don't give a flying f----. Mostly, I avoid eye contact with anyone who is not in my direct line of vision, and when the kids are crying its like I don't notice anyone else at all. I zone out, wandering around store aisles with one, sometimes two crying kids, looking for the next item on the list. And really, I just don't care. I used to care. I used to be so embarrased when the girls were crying in public. I didn't want to be a neusance to everyone. But you know what? If these people are going to take their time and then cut me off coming around corners then they can deal with my screaming kids.

As a mom I think that at some point you have to find you're groove, and it doesn't always include being really pleasant and saying shit like, "oh Johnny, please don't pull the kitty by it's tail" in a way that would make June Cleaver proud. Sometimes, yes, I'll admit it, sometimes, my groove includes words like, "just be quiet ok? Shut up for a minute." And I raise my voice. My groove includes that too. And now my shopping groove is basically, as I mentioned earlier, avoiding eye contact, except for when someone blocks the entire frikkin aisle with their one stupid cart and there's no other way to get through because someone is parked on the other side. I like to think I can convey a very real sense of power over their actions. Sometimes they notice and move. Other times they stay where they are and I turn my cart around, scowling the whole time, unsure of why my jedi-mind trick didn't work.

There are other things, too, in the not so pleasant aspects of being in public with your cranky kids and a cranky you. I growled at my girls today while we were going down the yogurt aisle. It happened before I could stop myself. Just this really loud "ughhhh!" because they wouldn't keep moving. As I said, I try to avoid eye-contact with most people but I couldn't help but notice one woman in particular. She was judging me, I just know it. But she has no idea what inane ramblings and off the wall requests and maddening behaviors I have had to deal with in the last 4 years! So screw her.

There was just too many people and so much noise- just noise all day. Tv, kids playing, video games- I need those Bose headphones that keep sound out. I wouldn't even play music in them. I would just wear them and sink into the silence, hoping for a little peace. But is that even really possible when you're a mom, no matter how old your kids are?